Baby on strike

So almost 3 weeks ago at just a week shy of 11 months old Miriella decided to abruptly refuse to nurse. She would act like she wanted to nurse but instead of latching on she would get upset - she would act like she wanted to but just couldn't for some unknown reason. So ... I went online - diagnosed it as a nursing strike and rented a pump - bound and determined to wait it out. They give a variety of reasons for breastfeeding strikes online - including mom yelled when baby bit her while breastfeeding - which I did. I think it could be that or it could be that her molars are coming in and causing her pain .. don't know. I did all of the things they suggested online .. I pumped to keep up my supply .. I was confident she would return to the breast.

Pumping is a crazy amount of work though - and it requires 45 minutes of solid uninterrupted time - and you need to be relaxed in order to get the milk to flow. That's not something I am able to arrange every 4 hours or so. I cut back to twice a day - than once a day ... after almost 3 weeks of the baby adamantly refusing to nurse - I have gave up.

On the positive side - she is now sleeping through the night in her crib - when before she was sleeping with us and waking up every few hours to eat. She's eating a ton more solids and is drinking milk out of an open cup like a champ (with assistance) and theoretically I have more freedom since anyone can feed her. She is almost a year old and lots of people would be looking to ween anyhow. I was planning to nurse 15-18 months though and to ween - not to stop abruptly.

On the negative side - I feel a little bit like I lost my baby! I think my identity as a mother is tied to breastfeeding a little bit. With Havalah being so sick as an infant - not eating - not growing etc. the only nutrition she willingly took and her main source of comfort was breastfeeding. There were a lot of things I couldn't do for her - but the one thing I could do was nurse her.